


i wanted more (just like everyone)

by cosmicallyaverage



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, and its awkward for everyone, the Doctor and Yaz talk about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicallyaverage/pseuds/cosmicallyaverage
Summary: Yaz had spent ten long months wishing for the Doctor’s return, but their reunion hadn’t been anything like the stuff of her dreams. With some hard feelings left between them, all they need is a chance to discuss everything leading up to their separation. It's already a daunting enough task, but Yaz has some other things on her mind that make it even worse.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 40





	i wanted more (just like everyone)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is based on/inspired by the song "Elevator" by Holy Holy - [feel free to give it a listen!](https://open.spotify.com/track/3NHyJsVdN5YYyERIGQE1aC?si=-pgI6LvyTyCYoh0WQuQaZA)
> 
> i just really want the doctor and yaz to talk about everything that has gone on because currently their relationship is a mess.. so if chibnall won't do it then i guess i'll have to do it my dang self. i totally did not intend for this to be 10k words, but honestly i'm shocked that it ended up being so long. 
> 
> special thanks to nia for helping me so much during this writing process! i would have never gotten this far without your help <3  
> here is her [tumblr](https://cordeychase.tumblr.com) and [ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/verynearlysouffled/pseuds/verynearlysouffled)!
> 
> also special thanks to [eli](https://toomanyplanets.tumblr.com) for helping as well, and for being general moral support during this!

Yaz sat on the edge of her bed, wondering how her life had led her to this moment; waiting for a time-traveling alien to pick her up for a date. 

_No_ , she told herself, _it's not a date. You're just meeting up with a friend you haven't seen in a while to catch up._

It was a mundane thing that humans often do, but the circumstances that brought these two specific friends together made things a bit more difficult. Ten whole months they had been apart, and what a painstaking ten months that those were. The events that separated them were difficult enough, but during their time apart, Yaz had no idea if the Doctor was even _alive_. Every day she spent searching for answers across the stars, hardly ever leaving that spare TARDIS to speak to Graham or Ryan, or even her family. Her efforts to find the Doctor quite literally took over every inch of her life, she never took her mind off of it. 

It had become sort of an obsession of hers, and she wasn't afraid to admit it. Before they were separated, she had noticed herself feeling certain _feelings_ for the other woman, and those feelings only grew during their time apart. She had what seemed like all the time in the world to think over all of their conversations, and every passing glance that they had ever shared, clinging to any notion that the Doctor might feel the same about her, but she was never sure. 

So now, sitting and waiting for her to pick her up, it _really_ seemed like a date. Yaz couldn't even remember when the last date she had gone on was, but she thought she remembered it feeling just like this, all full of nerves and rethinking your outfit every 3 seconds. They had really only seen each other the one time since the Doctor had been in "space jail" - whatever that was - but they decided to take some more time apart after they were left so saddened by Ryan and Graham's departure. Their run-in with the Daleks didn't really leave much time for them to talk things over, but with everything that's gone on for the two of them, they're definitely overdue for a deep conversation.

She quickly got up and checked her makeup in the mirror for the millionth time since she had been sitting there, waiting. Memories of the conversation they had had about this night were running through her head. All she could think about was how awkward it had been to ask the Doctor to meet up and have a proper sit-down-and-talk about all of the things that had gone on since she disappeared almost a year ago. If Yaz was being honest, there was probably more to unpack even _before_ that happened. She never did get a good explanation about what happened with the Master and Gallifrey, the Doctor was actually the worst at sharing things, apparently. She tried to send the thoughts away by tightly shutting her eyes and letting out an exasperated sigh at her reflection in the mirror, but they wouldn't go away. Her stomach was turning in the same way it did that day, the conversation replaying in her head.

\--

"Doctor, I just want to know what happened to you," Yaz pleaded to the Doctor, who was very obviously avoiding having this conversation again. "We haven't had the chance to talk about anything!"

The Doctor let out a small groan before stepping away from the console and beginning to walk a circle around it. "Yaz, I've told you what happened. What more do you need to know?"

"Saying "I was in space jail!" doesn't exactly give me all of the information I need." She folded her arms and began to follow the Doctor in her circular journey about the console. "I just want to know about what happened between you and the Master, and what happened in _space jail_." She mocked the idea of space jail with quotation fingers.

The Doctor flashed her a slightly annoyed look and continued to walk in circles, taking time every so often to fiddle with something on the console to avoid making actual eye contact, and Yaz continued to follow. 

"Also..." Yaz stopped walking and leant on the console where she was now standing. "What were you even there for and how did you get out?" She looked up at where the Doctor had stopped on the other side, peeking around the center crystal to barely meet her eyes. She assumed Jack had something to do with her escape, since he was with her when she made her grand appearance after ten months away - those endless ten months she spent longing after her. Now, there was another thing they needed to talk about, and Yaz knew it, but she wouldn't dare bring _that_ up.

"Yaz, it's a long story-"

"I don't care if it's a long story!" Yaz interrupted. "I have time."

They shared an intense stare for a moment before the Doctor stood upright and let out a big sigh. 

"Well?"

"Not right now..." the Doctor's gaze shifted around the room, avoiding Yaz's eyes once more, until she found a very interesting spot on the floor to focus on instead. 

She was never the greatest at sharing her thoughts and emotions, that sure was apparent. So many times had Yaz or Graham or Ryan tried to get her to talk about literally anything that seemed to be bothering her, and all she ever did was brush them off. But there were only so many times somebody could say "I'm fine” before they were no longer fine. Yaz was sure that the Doctor was way past that point. There had been too many things that she’d gone through for her to be fine anymore, Yaz just didn’t know exactly what.

She made her way over to where the Doctor was standing, placing an awkward hand on her shoulder in an attempt to reassure her. She didn't want to make the situation worse by being too harsh, so she had to make a compromise with her. 

"Listen," she started. "How about we pick a day, stay on Earth with no aliens or anything, and make sure we have time to talk about things. Because I know it’s bothering you just as much as it’s bothering me." 

The Doctor's gaze lifted begrudgingly to meet Yaz's. Her expression was neutral, but in an obvious way. She clearly didn't want to show how nervous she was at the thought of facing her feelings, but that only revealed her true emotions about this situation. As much as she tried to hide her emotions, Yaz could always read through them. And now more than ever, she could tell that the Doctor was maybe reaching her breaking point. Who knows how much longer she could go before it completely destroyed her?

The fact that she complied so easily was surprising to Yaz, if she was being honest. Perhaps, deep down, she really _did_ want to talk things over with someone, she just couldn't squash down her ego to be the one to ask for the help she needed. 

They agreed on a date and time before parting again, tensions still running high after their reunion. Hopefully things would turn out better for them once they talked things over.

\--

And now Yaz is regretting ever asking for this, as she looked over herself in the mirror once again. She had decided to get a little more dressed up than usual, to make up for all the times she never really got to do so while traveling - there was never time for glamor when you were aboard the TARDIS, and every outfit had to be as practical as possible - at least that's what she told herself, but she knew why she really did it. She just didn't want to say it out loud.

The doorbell ringing brought her thoughts back to the present, but the apprehension was still there, and it was at least twenty times worse this time around. Checking her appearance in the mirror one last time, she attempted to shake out her nerves and made her way into the living area and towards her front door. She could not have picked a better day for them to meet; her whole family was out living their regular lives tonight, so they wouldn't be here to question everything that was going on. She had told the Doctor to be low-key just in case, and to park somewhere that wasn't as noticeable as the flowerbeds right outside her flat like she usually did. In their time apart, she did tell her family a bit more about the Doctor and their travels, but she still kept a lot of it a secret. They had no business knowing that she had been running off through time and space with an alien, that's for sure. 

Yaz took a deep breath before carefully opening the door to reveal the Doctor standing on the other side. The sight of her standing in front of her once again made her heart race.

"Yaz!" the Doctor shouted excitedly, clearly happy to see Yaz again.

"Doctor!" All of her worries melted away the second she saw the other woman at her door, but they quickly returned once she realized the Doctor was coming closer to pull her into a hug. They had never hugged before. Not properly. There was the group hug that they did with Ryan and Graham before they left, but it had never been just herself and the Doctor. 

She stepped out to meet her for what turned out to be a very awkward hug. She didn't want to hug too tightly or for too long, and she was hyper-aware of where she was placing her hands and how hard the Doctor's hearts were beating; she hoped that she couldn't tell the same about herself. Yaz could tell that she had been tinkering with the TARDIS just moments before - her nose catching a whiff of sparks and ash as they hugged in the doorway. It was something she often did while trying to waste time before an adventure, and Yaz was sure that she was wasting plenty of time before this one. 

"Good to see you." Yaz was trying to be casual to calm her nerves.

"Likewise,” the Doctor replied, a hint of her own nerves in her voice this time.

They shyly smiled at each other after pulling apart before they made their way away from the flat, Yaz slamming the door behind herself. The winter chill of the evening quickly made its way to her cheeks and she pulled her coat tighter around herself with a shiver. It was only about five in the evening, but winter meant that night was already settling in, leaving the world around them in a blue cast as they began their journey to the lifts down the hall. The tension between them was blatantly obvious with the silence they shared as they walked. Yaz figured she would break the ice with casual conversation about the weather. _Yes_ , she thought, _that’s what normal people do, isn’t it?_

“It’s raining,” she decided to say, immediately making a face to herself at how ridiculous it was to state something so obvious as if the Doctor hadn’t noticed it herself already. “I was thinking maybe we could head to this coffee shop that's a few blocks away and have our chat there?" She took a pause with baited breath, hoping maybe this would soon become a two-person conversation and they could agree on a place to go. 

She was met with more nervous silence as the Doctor nodded in agreement and pressed the button to call the lift. The few seconds they had to wait for the lift to come felt like ages, amplified by the dead air between them. The _ding!_ of it arriving made Yaz let go of a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. They stepped inside once the doors opened and took their places inside the lift, Yaz reaching to press the button for the ground floor.

"Do you even drink coffee?" Yaz asked, the thought not even crossing her mind until now. 

"Oh, yeah," the Doctor said, though was clearly caught off guard by the question. "Love a good coffee."

Yaz nodded in response, she honestly wasn't sure what human foods the Doctor did or didn't eat. Obviously she knew custard creams and tea fit into the equation, but what if coffee was where the line was drawn? Was it offensive to ask? It didn't hurt to make sure. She was always overthinking things, and tonight her nerves were only making it worse. 

Stepping out of the lift after they had reached the ground floor, Yaz felt grateful for the fact that it had stopped raining. They didn’t have a long walk ahead of them, but rain would have definitely made tonight’s plans worse than they already were. She hoped that things would go well between them, and that they could finally sort out the bad blood that they currently shared. 

Joining the flow of the night, Yaz led the way to their destination for tonight’s adventure.

\--

The coffee shop was bustling with life when they arrived, commuters grabbing their after-work cappuccinos on their way to a Friday night out. Yaz almost wished she was more in-line with that crowd right now, It sure would be easier to deal with than whatever was going on at their table. They had both ordered their drinks and sat across from each other at a table for two. The low lighting all around them made the whole room feel as though it was candlelit which, when mixed with the warmth of the heating, made it feel way too cozy. It was far too intimate of a setting and only made it feel more like a date than it did before. Other than ordering, neither of them had spoken since they had come inside, all they did was share a few glances of uncertainty for what was next to come. So now they sat, in another awkward silence while they each waited for the other to speak. 

"You know, I talked to Ryan the other day," Yaz decided to pipe up. "He told me a little bit about what happened to you." 

She must have struck a nerve with that one because she noticed the Doctor's expression change when she mentioned Ryan. Hopefully it was a nerve that would finally make her talk. Ever since the Doctor had returned, she kept good tabs with Graham and Ryan, checking up on the freelance alien hunting every now and then. 

There were a few beats of silence before the Doctor spoke up, choosing her words carefully. The conversation had officially started, and there was no escaping it now, but clearly she didn't want to spill her hearts out on the table so soon. 

"Yeah?" She was trying very hard to be casual with her emotions, Yaz noticed. "Me and him had a talk before he left." 

"He didn't really say much. All he really said was that you were having a bit of an identity crisis."

"Yeah?"

"So I want to know what that's about." 

She could see the Doctor brace herself with a deep breath, clutching her cup of coffee quite tightly, but she gave her the time she needed to give her response. She didn't want this to seem like an interrogation, but instead a normal human conversation. Two friends catching up after time apart. _Human._ She chuckled inwardly to herself. As if she wasn't sat across a table from an actual alien at the moment - a time-traveling one at that. _Nothing about this is human._

"Well," the Doctor started. Yaz could swear she heard shakiness in her voice. "I'm not who I thought I was." 

Yaz raised her eyebrow, an indication that she was listening but not interrupting. She was keeping her cool to not scare her off of sharing her story.

"Turns out the beginning of my life that I know wasn't the actual beginning of my life." She was avoiding eye contact and instead focusing very hard on the napkin she had begun to tear up. "That's what the Master was showing me on Gallifrey before you guys showed up."

Yaz was almost afraid to say anything, worried she would scare the Doctor into her usual act of brushing off any questions. She had never seen her speak about anything like this, usually her or Graham or Ryan had to really push to get any answers out of her. Whatever "talk" she had with Ryan must have really changed how she's handling this situation. She seemed to be almost _willing_ to share everything, she just needed that first push to get herself going. After all of the time that had passed since this happened, she's had to have had plenty of time to think it over and come to terms with it.

Yaz sat and listened as the other woman continued to pour her hearts out over her cup of coffee that she had hardly touched; the sound of other people bustling around the cafe quickly drowned out by the fast beating of her own heart. She told the story of the Timeless Child found all alone on Gallifrey, and of all of the horror that they had been put through by some woman named Tecteun. She talked about the Division, and how their organization led to the Timeless Child's memory being wiped. She spoke of a woman called Ruth who she found on Earth, but it turned out to be herself from the past before her memory was wiped, before her life was restarted to be what the Doctor knew as her own life before all of this was revealed. It was all so horrible to hear, and knowing that the Timeless Child _was_ the Doctor only made things worse.

It seemed like the terribleness of the story was never going to end. Now Yaz understands why the Doctor had been so distant and distracted for all that time, she was really dealing with a lot of stuff. It almost hurts her to think that the Doctor didn’t feel comfortable enough with her or the boys to get help from them about it, but who can you trust once you find out your whole life has been a lie? 

Hearing all of the horrible things that the Doctor found out about her past made Yaz's blood boil. How could anyone be so cruel to an innocent child? A child that they had taken in as their own? Based on what the Doctor had told her about the Time Lords in the past, they weren't a very kind race, but this just put the cherry on top, in her opinion. Assuming what the Doctor told her about the Master was true - that they were best friends, and now it was complicated - she felt as though she understood why the Master did what he did to Gallifrey and the Time Lords. If she would have been the one to find out the truth, she may have just done the same thing. 

The Doctor's story came to a close with a shaky sip of her cup of coffee that was now probably room temperature. The two of them met eyes for the first time since they had sat down at their table, Yaz fighting back tears that had suddenly welled up at the sight of her friend who she now saw as a lonely child being abused all that time ago. 

She slowly reached for the Doctor's hand that was laying on the table, and squeezed it softly. "Doctor, I am so, _so_ sorry that all of that happened to you."

The other woman took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "Yeah, me too." She gave a sad smile and lowered her gaze, almost as if she was ashamed.

"But why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you through it."

"Yeah... That's where space jail comes in. I had plenty of time by myself to think it over." 

Yaz raised her eyebrows again, knowing this was a touchy subject for not only the Doctor, but herself as well. Her anger from the Doctor's story had simmered down a bit, but the mention of space jail brought it right back. She kept quiet, though, and let the Doctor get her thoughts out before she interrupted.

"And I know you were angry with me for leaving without warning, but it really wasn't my choice!" The Doctor must have noticed that she had reacted to her mentioning space jail, her tone quickly shifting from melancholic to defensive. 

“Yeah, but ten months we were looking for you. Not sure if you were even alive.” She desperately tried to not let her voice waver at the thought of how that all felt again.

“If I had any way of telling you, I would have! I didn’t even have time to think before the Judoon came and took me away like they did.”

Yaz honestly hadn’t considered the circumstances that led to the Doctor being away for so long. She was starting to feel guilty for how selfishly she had reacted to the whole situation, and she was definitely feeling guilty for not being nicer when the TARDIS did turn up. There was still a spark of anger inside of her that wanted to come out, but instead she tamped it down and let the Doctor continue speaking her side of the story.

“Yaz,” the Doctor spoke more softly this time, leaning in closer with a serious look on her face. “I know it was ten months for you, but it was _so much_ longer for me. There wasn’t a second I was in there that I didn’t think of you and how I could escape and get back to you.” Her voice was almost a whisper, as though she was afraid to admit that she missed Yaz while she was away. 

Yeah. Now she was definitely feeling guilty for the way she reacted. She couldn’t help but hyperfocus on the fact that the Doctor admitted that she thought about her just as much as she did the Doctor while they were away from each other. She had always felt that there was a bit more than just friendship between the two of them, but she dare not act on it or else the universe might implode; she's not even fully sure if the other woman feels the same way. There have been a few instances where she thought _maybe,_ moments where they held each other's glances for too long, or the air felt as though it was full of electricity when they stood too close. Unless those were a result of some Time Lord superpowers that she didn't know about, Yaz was pretty sure she knew what those things meant. 

"All that time you were away and I sat here for ten months worried sick," she started. "All that stuff you went through, meanwhile not a single aspect of my life changed. Life moved on without me but I couldn't let you go. I had to do something!"

"Oh, don't feel bad," the Doctor reassured. "Stuff like this happens to me all the time, you reacted just about as well as anybody else would have. It was a tough time for you, too." 

There was a slight eyebrow raise at the end of that statement. Yaz really hoped she wasn't referring to all of her notes and research obsessing over where the Doctor was during her time away that she had left in that spare TARDIS. Neither of them had said anything about it at the time, but she can't help but feel a bit embarrassed at how the Doctor reacted to her mess that she had left behind. They were in a hurry trying to figure out a plan to stop the Daleks, so it's not like she had too much time to notice the notes, right? 

"Sorry for shoving you, though." A desperate attempt to deflect the attention elsewhere.

"That may have been a bit overkill, yeah," the Doctor chuckled. 

God, it had been so long since Yaz had heard that lovely laugh of hers. She couldn't help but laugh along with her, at how ridiculous everything was. Even if life with the Doctor was filled with sadness and sorrow, there were still plenty of good times to go around. There was a lull in the conversation as they both finished their coffees, letting their emotions settle after talking about such intense topics. Night had properly fallen outside now, and the crowd around them had thinned as everybody made their way to the more exciting venues for nightlife. 

"Should we get out of here, then?" Yaz broke the silence, wanting to escape the suffocating atmosphere of the tiny coffee shop. Too many emotions had been shared here, and she was ready to move forward towards a hopefully more honest future for the two of them.

The Doctor nodded and they both got up to leave. They were quickly met with a chill of winter air when they opened the door, sending an exhilarating rush through Yaz when she took a deep breath. Walking away from the coffee shop, she herself was in a much better mood, and she could tell the Doctor was too. It was so nice to just _hang out_ with her, she thought; if only every adventure with her could be this mundane. 

Her mind couldn't help but wander back to the conversation she had with Jack, about how you don't get to choose when all of this stops. She hoped it never would, but she had learned to accept that that was part of the heartbreak of traveling with the Doctor. She wondered how many others had had to feel that heartbreak before she came along; Jack had mentioned a few names of people she assumed used to travel with the Doctor, and she assumed there were many more. It could be difficult to try and imagine what someone's life was like before you met them, and with the thousands of years that the Doctor has been around, there's so much history there to think about. 

"How many people have traveled with you before me?" She knew it was a big question, and she couldn't stop herself from noticing the way the Doctor's breath hitched when she said it out loud.

"Well," she started nervously, taking a deep breath before continuing. "That’s a loaded question, isn't it?" she said with a nervous chuckle. Her hands made their way into her coat pockets, and her gaze shifted its way towards the ground as they walked.

"I'm not asking because I want to start a fight or anything." She turned her head to look at the other woman and she bumped her shoulder to get her attention, wanting to reassure her that she was being genuine with her curiosity. "Just wondering."

Meeting her eyes, she could practically see the gears turning in her head trying to decide how to answer the question. "Too many to count, if I'm being honest." She shrugged her shoulders slightly. "If I gave you a number would it even matter?" 

Yaz hadn't thought about that. She knew it was probably a good number of people, but regardless of how many, she would still feel as though she was another insignificant part of the Doctor's long history, just like everyone else before her.

"Either way, you're going to know that you aren't the first, and I know that you know you won't be the last." 

She was referring to their _moment_ that they had in the TARDIS during the Dalek attacks. Emotions were running high that day for Yaz, but looking back on it now she feels a tinge of regret at being so mean. But, if she was being fair with herself, the Doctor asked when she had let her down.. not so long after letting her down; so, her comment was justified, but it didn't make it any less harsh.

Thinking about the many people who may have been with the Doctor before doesn't make Yaz _want_ to be with her any less, except that it almost feels like she's competing with ghosts. What if there was another person who the Doctor liked more than her? What if they were smarter? More clever? Better looking? How many of them became like herself and fell in love? Did any of them win the Doctor over? Will she do the same? As much as it feels like she is never enough to rival those who came before her, she still always feels like she's constantly wanting _more_ , like what she has in front of her isn't enough. 

_Like we're running out of time,_ she thinks to herself. Ever since she spoke with Jack in Osaka, there had been a constant worry eating at the back of her mind - a worry that something would happen to separate them again, perhaps permanently, before having her chance to make something out of the emotions she'd developed. She never did ask what happened to the other people the Doctor has traveled with, but logic would lead her to assume the worst for some of them. Traveling in space and time, fighting aliens? There's almost no chance that every single one of the Doctor's previous companions has survived. And the way she talked about them, Yaz couldn't help but notice the sadness in her eyes when recalling her adventures with them. 

_Will she do the same when she talks about you once you're gone?_

"Everything alright over there?" the Doctor asked, bringing her back down to Earth. She must have been silent for a while, overthinking a million things at once. She didn't even realize how far they had walked while she was daydreaming.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she lied. She wasn't okay. "Just thinking." 

"About what?" The other woman treaded carefully with her tone, she must have been able to tell that Yaz was struggling with her thoughts.

She could feel her nerves building up like a million butterflies in her stomach, she knows what she wants to say, but can't bring herself to do it. Taking a second to gather herself before replying, she pushed down all of her fears and doubts and took a shaky breath. "I just don't want to go home just yet." 

She didn't realize she had stopped walking, and the Doctor had stopped with her. All she could hear was the sound of her own blood rushing up through her ears, and the world felt like it had stopped right at that moment. In fact, if the world did happen to be ending, Yaz wouldn't have even noticed; she was preoccupied instead with staring at the ground beneath her feet

"Oh. Okay," the Doctor kept her gentle tone, but she almost sounded confused this time. "Did you have any other plans, then?"

"No, not really." Her words didn't want to come out of her mouth; it was as if her brain had completely disconnected itself from the rest of her body, and she wasn't in control of what she was saying, but it would be awkward to stop now. She had already committed to embarrassing herself. "Look, I just have really enjoyed spending normal human time with you and I don't want it to end so soon." 

Looking up to finally meet the Doctor's eyes, she was met with a cautiously raised eyebrow and no reply. Maybe she could tell where this was going and was scared to intervene, and instead would just let Yaz speak nonsense for a minute.

"I know I say it all the time, but I really do want more time with you." It sounded silly saying it out loud now. As many times as she had said it before, but this time it felt like she was a little kid asking for five more minutes of playtime before it was time to be put to bed. "And now seems like a good time to finally make sure that that happens. There's no aliens to distract us, no imminent death threats, and we're on Earth! We're just existing on Earth as two normal people right now and I want it to last." 

The time it took to get a reply felt like eternity, the two of them just standing on the sidewalk and staring at each other. Other pedestrians had to make their way around them as they stood still, giving them an annoyed groan as they passed. 

"Alright then," she finally replied, quite lacklusterly.

They had already made decent ground on their trip back to where their night started, and there weren't many choices around for them to go. Yaz knew that the local park was nearby, and they agreed that they would go there. There's not much to do at parks unless you're a kid, but if it meant spending more time with the Doctor, she was open to anything no matter how boring. And, knowing the Doctor, she would find a way to make any boring situation into a memorable one. _Must be another Time Lord superpower_ , Yaz thought.

\--

When they arrived at the park, it was well into the night and there was hardly anyone else around. Despite the dampness left from the rain, they had decided to claim their place in the grass and look at the stars, now clearly visible after the clouds had gone from earlier. The Doctor had laid her coat down on the ground for them to lay on, in a sort of makeshift picnic blanket way. It wasn't the most elegant setup, but neither of them had planned for this detour on their trip and they had to work with what they had. The chill of the nighttime air hardly bothered Yaz unlike it had when they first started off on their journey. She felt warm down to her core at the thought of the Doctor laying beside her and sharing stories of her past travels. 

It was amazing how well she could recall all of her previous adventures, and where in the universe they took place. She pointed up at the Moon, telling Yaz a story about the Judoon stealing a hospital from Earth and how she met a woman named Martha there. She also let Yaz in on a secret about the Moon actually being an egg, and how a woman named Clara saved the egg from being destroyed by the human race. Yaz listened to the way she talked about this Clara, and she could hear a specific softness in her voice that she only used when talking about certain companions. She can only guess what this might mean, but she doesn't let it make her jealous. If anything, it makes her think about how lucky the Doctor is to get to know all of these different people who she obviously cares about long after they're gone from her life. The Doctor had told her, when they first met, that she kept her family with her wherever she went, even if they were no longer with her.

Yaz sat up on her elbows, her gaze steady on the other woman as she continued to tell stories about the stars. She smiled to herself, the only thing on her mind now being just how much she cared about the Doctor, and how much she wished that they could be more.

At some point the Doctor must have stopped telling her stories and noticed Yaz looking at her. "Is something wrong?" She sat up quickly, a slight look of worry on her face as she turned to face Yaz. "Too much talking about my past friends? I know sometimes that can make people jealous." 

"No, of course not," Yaz reassured her. "I'm actually really enjoying hearing about them. You just have so many interesting stories to tell."

"Okay, that's good, then. You've just been really quiet, I know I was rambling a bit."

"I was just thinking about all of the people you've traveled with before, all of the stories you have from them, it's incredible." She fully sat up to match the Doctor now. "It's like you said after Grace's funeral, you keep them with you. You never forget a single one, even after they've gone."

"Suppose so, yeah." 

"You keep us with you, but we don't get the same. You live on after we leave." 

Yaz saw the Doctor's expression change a bit; her lips had stretched into a slight smile but her eyes stayed sad. She studied her in this moment, never realizing before how _old_ her eyes looked apart from the rest of her face. She hoped the other woman didn't notice her staring, but she couldn't help herself. How many years has she actually lived? And now knowing that she's lived longer than she thought, will she ever actually know? The Doctor thought for a minute before deciding to respond, looking up at the stars once more as if they had the answers. 

"It's like I keep you, but you borrow me." There were a few beats of silence where Yaz waited for her to elaborate more, she didn't exactly understand what she meant. "From my perspective, it's as if people like you come and go, just _borrowing_ bits of my life as I live it. My life exists before and after you, but it's _so_ much better while you're here. Then, once you're gone, I keep the memories of you so that I can remember all of the good times we had." 

With a sad smile, Yaz thinks back to her conversation with Jack again. "Jack told me that I should enjoy the adventure while I'm on it and not think about it ending. I guess this discussion is breaking that rule, isn't it?" she chuckled.

The Doctor grabbed her hand gently before continuing. Yaz nearly froze in place at the feeling of their hands intertwined, something she had wanted to do for so long but was always too scared to try. "I told a _friend_ of mine once, someone like you," Yaz couldn't help but notice how the Doctor's voice caught on the word 'friend' and again thought about what that might mean. "That living so long after those you love is the curse of the Time Lords."

_"Friend"? Someone like you? Love?_ Yaz's heart was racing and she hoped the Doctor couldn't tell. 

"Though I suppose now that I know I'm presumably immortal and the other Time Lords aren't, it's the curse of the Doctor, instead." She let out a small laugh at her own joke, almost as if she was pitying herself. She let go of Yaz's hand and instead started pulling at a string that was hanging out of a seam in her coat underneath them.

All Yaz wanted to do was hug her. The life of the Doctor was filled with so many amazing adventures and wonderful people, but is still so incredibly sad in between. The worst part about it is, she always must have hid her sadness from Yaz and the rest of the fam. All of this she was going through and they had no idea about it. She wanted to give words of reassurance, but they all seemed so small compared to the bigness of the Doctor's sorrows. 

Yaz scooted closer so that she could pull the Doctor into a side-hug to comfort her. "It doesn't make the time we have together any less than they are. You just have to find joy in the moment, like Jack said." She rubbed the Doctor's arm with her hand that she had wrapped around her. 

They rested their heads together and sat for a few minutes in a sad silence. The night's chill had set deep into Yaz's bones now but she didn't dare suggest that they leave to get indoors. She had to savor this feeling because she didn't know how much longer it would last. She almost felt guilty for taking advantage of the Doctor's sadness like this to feed her desire to be closer to her. She made the ultimate decision to be the one to pull away from the hug so that she could apologize for creating so much sadness today. 

"Sorry for making this chat so existential," she started with a slight chuckle. "I didn't realize I would be bringing up so many emotions."

The Doctor had sat up more and hugged her knees towards her body as she stared off into the distance. "Nah, s'okay," she insisted. "I'm always going to have my sad moments, I just have to focus on the happy ones while they're happening, like you said." She turned her head then to look at Yaz with a soft smile. 

"Well I think we should make this moment happy and get out of this cold." Yaz wrapped her coat around herself tightly, as if it was going to help anything. She looked over at the Doctor and couldn't help but think of how ridiculous it looked that the other woman obviously wasn't showing any signs of being cold, even if she was only wearing one layer. _More Time Lord super powers._ She thought.

"Oh yeah, of course." The Doctor quickly looked back at Yaz after she had fixed her gaze back up on the sky. She clearly wasn't aware of just how cold it had gotten while they sat and looked at the stars; if Yaz hadn't said anything, she may have never noticed. She began to get up from her spot on the ground and reached out a hand to help Yaz up from hers. 

There was a small moment where she hesitated to take her hand, the nervous pit from earlier in the night returning to her stomach. Their night was once again coming to a close, but they had already stayed out far too long, she couldn't really justify trying to make it last any longer. By taking the Doctor's hand, she was committing to letting this adventure end, and she wasn't sure if she was ready to do so just yet; she had to make a move tonight or else she may never have another chance. Flashing a nervous smile up to the other woman, she gently took her hand to get up from the ground. 

The Doctor's hand was so warm against her icy fingers, the sensation sent an electric shock through her body that only made the butterflies worse. She quickly let go of her hand, hoping the nerves would settle so she could think straight. She tried not to notice how the Doctor's hand seemed to linger a bit longer than her own - as if she didn't want to let go. It was impossible to gage what the other woman was feeling sometimes; Yaz could swear that she felt the same way that she did, but sometimes she just wasn't sure. Moments like this really made it difficult. She knew the Doctor was capable of love, she heard the way she talked about some of her old "friends". Her mind was thinking too many thoughts and feeling too many emotions, she could have blacked out.

Before she knew it, the Doctor had wrapped her coat around her shoulders and they were walking back towards her flat. _Moving too fast,_ she panicked, _not enough time._ She had to let the Doctor know that she didn't want her to leave without her. They had some hard feelings before, but those definitely went away after their therapy sessions that they had tonight.

"Have any plans for where you're headed after this?" She bumped her shoulder as they walked, trying really hard to keep it casual as if she wasn't ready to literally combust on the spot. "And is there room for a plus-one?" 

"Don't know where the next adventure is." The Doctor looked over at her and she nearly keeled over. "But of course there's room for you." A smile quickly spread across her face, reassuring Yaz that things would be much better this time around after their failed attempt to travel together again once Graham and Ryan left.

Yaz smiled back at the thought of finally being with the Doctor again... _alone_ this time. Every possibility of what could happen ran through her mind, bringing back the worry that she might just pass out right there and then.

"If you don't have like... work or anything," the Doctor continued, and Yaz could tell she was a bit nervous too right now. Perhaps she was afraid that Yaz might change her mind and leave like the rest of the fam had done only a few weeks ago. The wound they left still must be a little fresh. "I know you said you kind of went back to your normal life and all..."

"Oh, no. Of course not,” she responded, maybe too quickly. "Things with work are... complicated."

"So you want to come?"

"I wouldn't want anything more." 

"Alright then, that's settled," the Doctor said, clearly relieved to not have to say goodbyes to another companion so soon.

Yaz was happy to finally be back at a place in their relationship where things felt comfortable again, and she smiled to herself as they continued walking. In the few months leading up to their separation, things had felt so cold and distant. She was glad that the Doctor had been so open to work through all of her issues with her, instead of bottling them up over and over again like she had done before. 

Now, she just had to work through her own bottled up emotions. _Easier said than done_. 

\--

There had been a few minutes at the end of the trek where neither of them spoke as they reached Yaz's apartment block. She felt excited at the thought of being back aboard the TARDIS again, but her excitement still didn't drown out every other emotion she was feeling. Considering all of the scary and uncertain things she’d gone through with the Doctor, this was probably the worst one, if she was being honest. Certain death on an alien planet? Easy. Confessing your attraction to someone? Not so much.

Once they reached the building, Yaz anxiously pressed the button to call the lift, taking a step back from the doors to wait for it to come down from the floors above. Every second that passed while they waited for the doors to open felt like an eternity. She was desperately trying to muster up the courage to say something, but her nerves were making it difficult; the walls around her felt as though they were swimming, and her attention was focused instead on not keeling over right there. They hadn't gone out for drinks or anything, but they may as well have with how she was feeling right now. 

The silence of the space around them was broken with the _ding!_ of the lift arriving. They each took their place in separate corners of the cab when the doors opened, Yaz pressing the button next to her for the roof, where the TARDIS was parked. She wasn’t exactly sure how the other woman was feeling right now, but she could only assume that she felt similarly to herself; they kept sharing fleeting glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking. 

Yaz caught herself staring at one point, after she couldn’t help but notice how small the Doctor looked standing alone in the corner without her coat on. Her presence always seemed so big when she entered a room, and that combined with her long coat made it seem like she was larger than she actually was. With her being a Time Lord, she may be more resilient than humans, but without the coat on she looked so small and fragile as if she were human. Yaz figured it would be a good chance to return her coat now before they reached the TARDIS on the roof.

“Here, you can have this back,” she muttered, shrugging the coat off of her shoulders and handing it over to the Doctor. 

“Oh,” the Doctor said in a very neutral tone, the same one she always used when she was trying to hide how she was feeling. “Thanks.” 

Yaz had learned how to detect that tone easily, since there had been so many instances where it had been used. She hoped that she wasn’t still hiding something from her, after everything they had gone through tonight it would be hypocritical for her to do so. Not like Yaz had any room to talk, since she was quite literally hiding the fact that she may have fallen in love with her, but after all of the things that the Doctor had kept from her, she would think that she’s allowed to keep this one to herself.

With her thoughts continuing to swirl around her, she hadn’t even realized that the doors to the lift had opened and she was trailing behind as the Doctor stepped through them into the hall towards the stairwell that would take them to the roof. Not much longer now, until their night came to a close and they would be off on their next adventure, not much longer until her chance to make her move will be over. She honestly wasn’t even sure what “move” it was that she wanted to make, but she had to figure it out soon, they were almost to the roof.

Anytime she had ever been out on a sort-of date with someone she liked, she would be too afraid that they would react negatively to her advances and leave her feeling like an idiot. Obviously the Doctor hadn’t turned down _everyone’s_ advances, because she had seemingly had romantic experiences with previous companions, but Yaz wondered if she was going to be the first that that happens to - _if she ever gets the courage to even do it,_ she chastised herself. So unless the Doctor was the one who typically did the move-making - which she didn’t get the impression that she was the type - she had to do it herself.

Exiting the stairwell and making their way out onto the roof, there was a sense of excitement, yet uncertainty that she could feel in her chest as she made sight of the TARDIS parked in front of her. It was a similar sensation that she felt on that day in Graham’s house that the Doctor returned. This time, it’s excitement she feels to be back aboard the ship with her, but then uncertainty at what the future means for them. _Especially if you don’t do something soon._ Her internal monologue was really being harsh on her today, like her gut was telling her to just _make the move._ But could you really trust your gut when it was doing literal somersaults inside of you?

She took shaky steps towards the blue box, its lights like a beacon leading her to her doom. The Doctor had begun searching her coat pockets for the key to open the door, and every second felt like eternity as Yaz stood and watched her fumble, giving away the fact that she was feeling the same emotions as herself. The world felt like it was moving too fast and too slow all at once, seconds counting down to the last moment that Yaz would be able to change things. The second that door opened, they would be off on another adventure and it would be over. Who knew when the next chance she would have would be? Her heart was beating in every part of her body while she watched the key emerge from one of the Doctor’s pockets.

She fumbled with the key in her hand. _What are you going to do?_

The key was moving towards the lock. _This is your last chance._

The key reached the lock. _You have to do something._

The key was inserted in the lock.

In one swift motion, she grabbed the Doctor by her shoulder and turned her towards herself. Before she even knew what she was doing, she was leaning forward for their lips to meet.

There was a moment where she thought maybe she had imagined it. None of this felt real. The other woman was taken by surprise by what was happening - there had been a small sound of confusion that she let out when their lips first touched - and Yaz worried that she had made a mistake. 

She didn’t have much time to think it over before she heard the key turn in the lock and the door next to her fall inwards. The Doctor hadn’t pulled away, but she certainly wasn’t wasting any time to get back into the TARDIS. Stepping backwards through the doorway, they separated, both of them freezing in place for a second, shocked at what had just happened. Yaz could have cried. Did she just make a huge mistake? Was she going to send her away? 

“I-” She couldn’t form words.

The Doctor’s expression seemed to show a million emotions at once, and she couldn’t tell what reaction she was about to get. She stepped towards Yaz and shut the TARDIS door behind her, avoiding eye contact once again. 

All she wanted to do at this moment was run. The Doctor didn't look _angry_ , she noticed, but she certainly didn't look _happy_ either. Pushing Yaz to the side, the Doctor made her way to the console to begin their flight away from Sheffield. Away from whatever it was that just happened.

"I'm sorry." Her shaky voice sounded so small in the large console room, muffled by the sounds of the engines and gadgets all around her. She was still standing alone in the entryway, afraid to move any further inside in case the Doctor wanted her to leave.

It felt like it was the beginning of the night all over again - one-sided conversations and awkward silences - as if the past few hours hadn't happened at all. She wasn't sure what to do other than stand and wait for a response, either reassurance that she didn't make a mistake, or at least let her know that she wasn't angry with her and they could move on from this. Looking around the room for answers, Yaz noticed that the lights hadn't really changed. Typically, the TARDIS reveals the Doctor's mood a bit with its _mood_ lighting, even if she was hiding it from everyone else; but right now, it was hiding what she was feeling. _Cheeky machine, isn't it?_ Yaz thought. The TARDIS must be doing this on purpose to make things harder on her.

"Yaz," the Doctor started quietly, letting out a small sigh while she gathered her thoughts. Yaz was shaken back to reality at the sound of her voice breaking the silence. "Listen to me-"

"I'm sorry," she interrupted, the only thing that would probably help right now is an apology. She felt the word vomit ready to come out and couldn't stop it before it did. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sure you don't even want me to be here anymore. I can go ahead and leave if you want." She began taking steps back towards the door, ready to face the consequences of her actions.

"No!" The Doctor quickly made her way towards the door. "No. I don't want you to leave." 

A few beats of silence passed while Yaz processed what she had just heard, worried that she had imagined it and was getting her hopes up too quickly.

"You don't?" She couldn't believe it. She might not have messed things up, after all. 

"No." The Doctor grabbed her shoulders and guided her away from the door and towards the center console and they took a seat together on the steps surrounding it. "I just think maybe we need to have another conversation about some things." 

"As if we haven't been doing that tonight already?"

"Exactly." 

"Okay?" Yaz wasn't sure where this was going; she was preparing for her doom once again, and looked to the TARDIS lighting for answers. All she could tell was that it looked a bit more red in the room than before. Anger? Happiness? _Love?_

"Listen," she began, with a gentle and calm voice that indicated that perhaps she _wasn't_ angry, Yaz hoped. She noticed the Doctor take a deep breath and stop a minute to think over her words before she spoke. "I don't want either of us to make a mistake." 

Yaz knew where this was going; it's what they've been discussing all night. She understands the weight of what this would mean if they carry on, and she doesn't need to hear it again. She's sure of what she wants and doesn't want any of her doubts to get in the way. The fact that the Doctor said "either of us" made her hope that maybe she felt the same way, and that's all Yaz cared about. These feelings had been eating at her for long enough, and their time apart had only made them more intense. 

The Doctor continued speaking, about what Yaz didn’t know. She couldn't focus on a word the other woman was saying because of the butterflies in her stomach again, and the overwhelming atmosphere of being in the TARDIS properly for the first time since they were reunited. All she could focus on was how _beautiful_ the Doctor looked sitting next to her right now, the reddish-orange light of the TARDIS reflecting off of her face and illuminating her hazel eyes. When she had kissed her the first time, there wasn't enough of a chance for her to actually drink it in, and she wanted nothing more than to do it again. Properly, this time. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, Yaz's eyes kept darting to look at the Doctor's lips as she spoke, waiting for the perfect moment to strike again. This time, she knew what she was doing, and she was going to make sure it was perfect like she'd been imagining since she first started having these feelings.

But she didn't have to imagine anymore. Before she knew it, she was moving towards the Doctor to kiss her again. Yaz doesn't even know what sentence she interrupted, but she didn't care, she couldn't hold back any longer. This time, she wasn't met with confusion and rejection like she had before. This time, their lips fit together like pieces to a puzzle that had been apart for too long. This time, there wasn’t a single doubt in her mind telling her to stop. This time, Yaz felt braver than she ever had before, as if she could take on the universe. 

The kiss was gentle, neither of them were too sure of themselves to do anything more. Instead Yaz could put her focus on the small details; like the way the Doctor smelled like coffee and fresh cut grass, or how soft her blonde hair was when she ran her fingers through it. Everything was just as she had been wanting for all this time, and it was perfect.

Her hand softly cupped the Doctor's face as they pulled apart slowly, her head spinning with all of her emotions and thoughts about what just happened. It felt like the world had stopped and started again once they parted, sitting in the ambient noise of the console room and waiting for one of them to speak.

"Not a mistake though, was it?" Yaz giggled. Even in the red lighting of the TARDIS, she could see that a blush had made its way to the Doctor's cheeks, and that only made her laugh more. Even though it seemed like she was the ultimate breaker of hearts throughout the universe, she sure was shy when it came to any actual romance. 

"Sorry I've just never been good with this type of stuff." The Doctor smiled shyly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, the glimmer of her earring catching Yaz's eye as she did so. Another warm rush came over her body at the sight of it, something so small that she hadn't seen in nearly a year, but still gave her the chills all the same.

"That's okay," Yaz reassured. "You don't have to be." 

"All these years and all these people and I still can't get the romance thing down, how ridiculous is that?" she laughed.

Yaz laughed along with her, glad that the Doctor was back to her self-deprecating jokes, just like old days. If she was being honest, she didn't think she was that good at love herself, but that didn't mean that they couldn't figure it out together. 

They sat in silence for a moment, enjoying each other's presence while the TARDIS hummed quietly around them. Neither of them were sure what the next move was, but Yaz knew that she was more than ready to move forward and see where the universe took them. She gently grabbed the Doctor's hand and tangled their fingers together. _A perfect fit,_ she thought. While she might not be the first romantic interest the Doctor has had, she's the person who fits with _this_ Doctor. However many lives she's had before, there was someone who was a perfect fit for each of them. Yaz was the perfect fit for this one, and that's all that mattered.

Leaning her head on the Doctor's shoulder, she smiled to herself and thought about all of the possibilities for the future. She felt the Doctor lean back against her, another perfect fit between the two of them. They had the whole of time and space ahead of them, and that's all Yaz needed to keep her hopeful, despite all of the fears that came with this life she’d chosen. 

With so much to look forward to, she had no reason to ever look back.

_Oh, you don't look back…_


End file.
